PREGNANCY LOSS SUPPORT IN OTTAWA

According to the Mayo Clinic, approximately 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and approximately .5% (or 1 in 160) pregnancies end in stillbirth.^2​ Despite the commonness of pregnancy loss (miscarriage and stillbirth), pregnancy loss is not often talked about openly. There may be several reasons for this.

Firstly, a loss such as pregnancy loss can be difficult to share because many people may not have known that you were pregnant. So instead of just sharing about your loss, you first need to tell people that you were pregnant but experienced a miscarriage. And in the midst of your pain and grief, this can be hard to face.

Additionally, many women who have experienced a pregnancy loss share feelings of shame, self-blame and guilt; such feelings may hinder one from sharing about their loss.

Some women share that due to the commonness of pregnancy loss (miscarriage and stillbirth), they were made to feel that they should just move on and get over it. Such an experience can shut someone down or make them feel guilty or wrong for experiencing the grief that they feel.

Whether you have experienced one or multiple pregnancy losses, you are worthy of the time and space needed to process and heal. Your loss was not your fault. Don’t struggle alone or in silence, reach out for support today. All of our support is free and confidential.

HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER AFTER MISCARRIAGE

Experiencing a miscarriage is unexpected and often sudden. The suddenness of this loss can add to the complexity of the grief that can be experienced. Miscarriages can be devastating for both partners involved. Partners tend to process their experience of a miscarriage or stillbirth in different ways largely due to the difference in how the pregnancy and miscarriage were experienced.

For the woman, her experience of loss is not only mental and emotional, but physical too. She may have already been experiencing signs of being pregnant which are now absent. The physical differences are a constant reminder of the pregnancy loss.

Your partner may have to go through a medical or surgical procedure to ensure her uterus is empty and that she does not experience an infection after the pregnancy loss.  The added need of a procedure can be emotionally and even physically traumatic.

Some women can experience hormonal fluctuations or lactating breasts after a miscarriage or still birth as their body re-adjusts, which can add to the layers of grief that she may experience.

During this sensitive and painful time, it is important to let your partner know that you will be present and support her in whatever way she needs.

Closeness and support

You may feel that you do not have the right words to say and that is ok. Even what seems to be the right thing to say, may not be helpful to your partner. Beyond words, what your partner is needing right now is to know that she is not alone.

This may look like holding her on the couch so that she can cry, listening to her if she wants to share what she is thinking or feeling or simply sitting in the same room as her so that she doesn’t feel alone.

Communication

Many women have complicated emotions after a pregnancy loss like shame, self-blame and guilt. It is important to open the doors of communication and check in with your partner to see how they are doing.

You may feel that you have grieved the loss of this pregnancy. Because your partner hasn’t talked about the loss in a while, you may assume that she has fully grieved as well. However, some partners share that they no longer want to talk to their partner about their loss because although they are still struggling, their partner seems to have moved on.

Talking to each other about trying or not trying for a possible future pregnancy is important. Check in with each other along the way. It is normal to want to wait to try again, or not feel ready to try again right after a miscarriage or stillbirth. Try not to pressure your partner about trying again until she feels mentally and physically ready to do so.

If your partner becomes pregnant again, it is important to check-in with her throughout the pregnancy. Experiencing a pregnancy after a pregnancy loss can be very emotional. Often women will experience heightened fear, anxiety and worry during pregnancy after a loss.

Time

There is no set time for grieving and partners often process and grieve a loss at different rates. More often than not, you will not experience the same deep sense of loss as your partner. Your partner may interpret your lack of big difficult emotions as a signal that you didn’t or don’t care. Be patient with your partner. She will likely take much longer than you to grieve this pregnancy loss. It is important not to pressure her or rush her to move on or ‘get over it’.

Practical Support

You can help to support your partner practically after a pregnancy loss by cancelling any upcoming pregnancy related appointments that she had. You can also help to inform any friends and family who knew about the pregnancy. Your partner may not be ready to tell new people about the loss; but it can be very helpful to inform anyone who already knew about the pregnancy, so that your partner isn’t triggered by a well-meaning “how is the pregnancy going” comment.

WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD A MISCARRIAGE OR STILLBIRTH

If you know someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss (miscarriage or stillbirth), you may not know what to say or how to support them. Often words are not needed when you show your love and care through being present and giving practical support.

You could bring them a meal, ask if they want to go for a walk or do something outside of the house. Ask them if they want to talk or share with you how they are doing. Simply listen if they want to talk but don’t push them if they don’t want to share.  Be sensitive and supportive if they don’t want to attend a gathering where there will be lots of kids, or a baby shower or gender reveal. Don’t assume what they want to do. Just ask.

If your loved one becomes pregnant again after a pregnancy loss (miscarriage or stillbirth) it can be helpful to check in with them to see how they are doing emotionally, as pregnancy after a pregnancy loss can be emotionally challenging.